Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
