Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
