she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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