I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
