Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
