found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
