I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
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I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
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Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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