it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
