she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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