Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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