I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i drank out of a bidet.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
