My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm bleeding and have questions
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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