Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
