I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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