i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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