Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
pray to the hookup gods
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
