you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
