I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize