im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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