I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
