I have demons in me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
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pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
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