I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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