So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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