i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
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You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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