Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
