Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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