My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
