New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
