kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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