I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
