Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
