She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm sobbing to NWA
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
