batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
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I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
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female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I am one with the molecules
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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