Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
