you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
