There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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