i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
