I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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