Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
