The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
