i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
