I wish I could teleport
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize