You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
