I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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