i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
