her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
