I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
