final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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