I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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