just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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