This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
