Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
