Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
