turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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