dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
