A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
