I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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