I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
