I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
