Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
