what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
