At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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